The BIG Trip

Hi Guys, It has been a really long time since I've written and shared what clumsy things have gone down in my life.I got so caught up in other things I didn't write anything at all. Well it has been a rough year and a half. I was dealing with a lot of issues (still dealing with them) of the heart. My heart was slowly becoming hard and I wasn't doing my quiet times or praying as much. A lot of my past traumas and unresolved hurts were piling up and overflowing from me sweeping them under the rug and I was becoming bitter. Bitter with God and how I saw my life. I was a lot like the son from the Prodigal Son in Luke 15:28-30, “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’". Interestingly enough this feeling wasn't in regard to anyone of my friends that I saw God blessing. It was towards the blessings I saw the father of my children receiving. At least what I perceived as blessings. Things between he and I ended badly and I saw him getting all these things while I struggled and couldn't or rather wouldn't find someone I could be with. Note that he and I get along just fine now and have been for a few years. These feelings along with some past childhood trauma caused me to push away from my Father in heaven. I was starting to go on rebellious teenage daughter mode (This year marked 16 yrs of me being a christian). I started playing an online game that I love and met some pretty amazing people. I played for hours as gamers tend to do. A bit more than what I was used to. I met this one guy who really caught my attention and we clicked. Charismatic, funny and kind. We started flirting, then talking alone and I found myself wanting to spend more time with him. He shared that he had gone through something very traumatic and wasn't ready for a relationship. At that time I was ok with this and we continued to talk. We had some pretty intense arguments, where I was made to feel an inch tall. I would apologize and try to do whatever would make him happy. I told myself he has other personality traits that I love. I was head over heels. The information he shared about himself was practically nonexistent, so I did a background check and looked into the traumatic event he had shared with me to confirm it was true. Unfortunately the traumatic event did not match up with the information I found. It wasn't true. At first I was shocked and freaking out, but then rationalized it because I was already in too deep with my heart. I have a bad habit of going all in, even though I knew he didn't want a relationship. We met after a few weeks of knowing each other and he saw on my phone evidence of my search and I freaked out and lied. He knew I was lying and I ended up telling him I was looking into something, but I didn't share everything, because I was afraid to lose him. He told me he didn't trust me and I had to earn his trust. Our relationship seemed to improve and things were moving along nicely. We still had our occasional fight due to my jealousy or some other reasons, but we were good. I decided it was time for me to start going to a therapist to deal with my childhood traumas and my divorce. Also I wanted to be healthy for the relationship we were building. I hoped and prayed that he would come clean by the end of month in regards to what I found out. Suddenly he asked for space because he was going through a lot and I was confused, I told him I was there for him and he could confide in me, but he just wanted space. I contacted him twice after. He then contacted me and a small disagreement ensued. It ended there and I sent him another message that hit a nerve for I mentioned the word secret. This caused him to be curious and I told him I would share when we were both in a better place and this set him off. He at this point said he wanted nothing to do with me and that he was going to cut me out of his life because he couldn't trust me and I was liar 😑. That's the pot calling the kettle black. I pretty much told him have a nice life , but later sent sweet messages. Ugh!!! Mind you I prayed that God remove him from my path if he was not the one for me (I also told God I didn't want him to remove him). I then deleted everything that had to do with him and blocked what I could. The following day I really wanted to tell him about what I found out and wrote him a message two days after the break up. I am still hurting and curl up in a ball at night missing him. I miss talking to him and the laughs we had. I'm taking it one day at a time and I know it will be alright. Someone I respect shared something with me that has repeated in my head everyday since it was said, "What is broken inside of you that made you accept the way you were treated in the relationship?" There is a lot I did not share and probably won't in regards to this relationship. I still care about him and hope that he will be happy and find peace. There is only one way I know how to find peace and that is through Christ. I am going to therapy to help with 3 different things now and I also have some amazing friends who are encouraging. The best thing that has come out of all this is that it has made me run back into my daddy's arms and He is so faithful and gracious He welcomes we back with open arms. So, it appears I started out as the brother of the prodigal son and came running back as the prodigal son. I am so grateful God was always watching, listening and ready to comfort me on my return. He deserves my best and my all and that is what I will be working on.

God bless you guys!!!

The Morning I Missed My Time With God

Hi Guys,

I meant to write yesterday but the day got away from me.  Anyway, I missed my time with God yesterday morning. I was exhausted and didn’t force myself to get up for my time. You may be thinking “that’s ok. We all miss a day here and there.” Well I’ve been strengthen up my relationship with God, so one day is a big deal. I call it the morning I didn’t put on my Armor.

My eyes opened and I looked at the time 6:00am when my alarm went off and thought, “Just a few more minutes.”  I was great friends with the snooze button. I totally said that past tense. I am great friends with the snooze button, but yesterday we were best friends (sorry BFF ;) I still love you!). So by the time I got up I had to rush, wake up the kids and get ready. First things first I was cranky as soon as my feet hit the floor. I got up hollering at the boys to hurry up. We flew out of the apartment (no not like Mary Poppins. I wish!) and got in the car. In the rush some things were forgotten and frustration started to set in. We roll out of the parking lot onto the main road and I start fussing about the other drivers “hurry up! I don’t have time for this.” “Ok turtle move it along.”, “Ugh get offffff  of your phones and pay attention to the light people!” (BTW I have a good history of Miami driver syndrome. Come visit you’ll see what I mean). We are nearing the boys school and I apologize for my behavior and tell them Mommy missed her time with God this morning. Mind you missing my time with God is no excuse for my behavior, but it helps to put the armor on. I use to say I am fine putting on the armor at night, but it no longer works for me. Satan is on the move and won’t give up the attack. My best defense is putting on my armor in the morning and checking it throughout the day. Adjusting my attitude and my heart with scripture and prayer. 

The rest of my day is a blur honestly and I missed an important prayer time with a good friend I regret. Today was a new day and thank God for those. Has it been a perfect day? No. But it has been a great day that I hope continues on this path, until I start again tomorrow (God willing).

Ephesians 6:10-18

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

My Will vs God's Will

Matthew 6:10 " your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."

Throughout my walk I have said to God, "Your will be done.", but deep down really preferred my will be done. What I want a lot of the time outweighs what God has planned. This has resulted in hurt and heartache. So lately I've been focusing on surrendering my will to God's will. In my prayers I often mention what my will is in this life hoping that they line up with His. Saying this I know that some just don't. How? The heart behind the request. Is it a selfish reason where I am looking for pleasure or self-fulfillment? Sometimes I ask for things that I may not think in the moment are selfish, but looking back I see they were. I would ask for whatever I wanted and was sure to add, but it's all for your glory. Some of those things you might hear and say, but how could that be against God's will? For example I wanted God to fix my marriage and the issues that lied within it. That doesn't sound bad, right and it's not. The problem was that it wasn't God's will. There were many underlying issues with myself and my ex-husband. I truly believe that we were not meant to be together, but because we were not in line with God's will, we forced it. It was a relationship based on our emotions and sin crept in. God was not the center of our relationship. He wasn't the cream in our cookie that held us together, while keeping us far enough apart to enjoy His presence individually. Blame for circumstances and consequences can easily shift to God if we are not careful. Satan will always try and make our will look better and seem right over God's will.

Some things are easier to surrender than others. For example, it is easy for me to trust God with my finances. All of my life he has taken care of me and I have never been in need. I have always had a roof over my head and food on the table. Those are what I consider my most important needs. Believe it or not being single is not a struggle for me. If God decides to bless me with a husband one day, then may all the glory be to Him. If he doesn't, then may all the glory be to Him. He is enough for me. This doesn't mean that I don't desire a spouse, it just means I am surrendered to God's will in this area.

Now an area of struggle when it comes to His will is my children. Who when you really think about are not mine. My fear is of Him taking them too soon. I had an incident recently where I thought something bad happened to my boys and I blew up at God. It was a very low point in my faith and it has opened my eyes to my relationship with my Creator. I must be surrendered to His will in the life of my children. I must believe that it is far better than mine and if He takes them sooner than later He knows why. It is probably one of the hardest things for a parent to accept.

I was reading Jeremiah 27:4-11 and was blown away by his prophesy to Zedekiah King of Judah regarding King Nebuchannezer.

"Give them a message for their masters and say, ‘This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says: “Tell this to your masters: With my great power and outstretched arm I made the earth and its people and the animals that are on it, and I give it to anyone I please. Now I will give all your countries into the hands of my servant Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon; I will make even the wild animals subject to him. All nations will serve him and his son and his grandson until the time for his land comes; then many nations and great kings will subjugate him. “If, however, any nation or kingdom will not serve Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon or bow its neck under his yoke, I will punish that nation with the sword, famine and plague, declares the LORD, until I destroy it by his hand. So do not listen to your prophets, your diviners, your interpreters of dreams, your mediums or your sorcerers who tell you, ‘You will not serve the king of Babylon.’ They prophesy lies to you that will only serve to remove you far from your lands; I will banish you and you will perish. But if any nation will bow its neck under the yoke of the king of Babylon and serve him, I will let that nation remain in its own land to till it and to live there, declares the LORD.” 

I was like, "Say what?", then I thought about it. When we try and go against His will the results can be devastating and even cause our spiritual walk to end. There are situations and circumstances we need to pass through in order to complete God's will and reach the blessings in the end. Check out what God told Jeremiah later.

Jeremiah 27:19-22
"For this is what the LORD Almighty says about the pillars, the bronze Sea, the movable stands and the other articles that are left in this city, which Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon did not take away when he carried Jehoiachin son of Jehoiakim king of Judah into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon, along with all the nobles of Judah and Jerusalem— yes, this is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says about the things that are left in the house of the LORD and in the palace of the king of Judah and in Jerusalem: ‘They will be taken to Babylon and there they will remain until the day I come for them,’ declares the LORD. ‘Then I will bring them back and restore them to this place.’ ”

God always has an end game and it's always for His glory and our benefit. I want to do His will and pray that I never forget to look to His will.

Lots of Love,

The Clumsy Christian..

On this post are two screenshots from my morning Devotional, which inspired me to write this today.

The Devotional is called "Live Your Calling: What On Earth Am I Here For" by Pastor Rick and can be found on the Bible app.

My Kids and a Lesson in Obedience

So last night I had a little talk with my boys on obedience. It's been an issue for a while now and it's more than likely because I'm a bit of a free spirit. I don’t like restrictions or having to be locked up in my room all the time, so I don’t do it to them. Wait, I just read that over and it’s a lie I tell myself. The truth is it’s easier to not have to deal with a whining and complaining child who is in time out, than one who is with you having fun. I like watching TV and playing games with my boys, so I crack under the pressure when they are punished. I don’t allow all the punishments to follow through. Also with all of the things I have to get done I am usually distracted and they take advantage of it. They are smart little buggers. Mom’s over there doing something else she won’t notice I’m not focusing on my homework or cleaning my room. The end result of 8 years of this same pattern is twins with attitude and difficulty understanding what real punishment is. This has caused an issue in obedience in some areas.

Last night I sent them off to bed and as usual it was a major drama. The usual culprit Jacob started playing with his brother and not letting him sleep. Since I have been working on patience (I’ll share that in another blog) I called him over and asked him to sit on the bathroom toilet and think about his actions. My boys hate the bathroom. They are scared of it and have been since they were really little. Mind you the door was open and he could look directly at me. Anyway, he quickly told me he thought about it after one minute of sitting. And I told him he really needed to think about it as I looked for a scripture to discuss with him.  I found the following.

“The eye that mocks a father, that scorns an aged mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by vultures." - Proverbs 30:17 

The look on his face was priceless. I know it’s an intense scripture that would scare the stuffing out of any child. I did explain that it was not literal and that it meant that God frowns upon any child who disrespects or disobeys their parents. I also explained that there are consequences for these actions and that is what the ravens pecking out the eyes represents. We then went into a longer discussion on how our family needs to grow in obedience. Not only theirs to their father and me, but mine to God. The night ended on a good note and hugs and kisses were given all around.

Our children are a reflection of who we are. In seeing my boys lack of discipline and obedience I saw myself in my relationship with God. I need to go sit on the toilet and reflect on the things I have done that go against what God has instructed me. Maybe then I will appreciate Him more and see how much He loves me.

With Love,

The Clumsy Christian

Meet the Clumsy Christian

For those of you who don't know me, I'm a clumsy christian. Why clumsy christian? Have you ever been out walking and not really paying attention to where you were going because you were distracted? How did that go for you? In my case it usually ends with me twisting my ankle, walking into something or falling flat on my face. I have always been a klutz. Turns out this applies to my spiritual walk as well. I get distracted by things of the world and boom I hit a wall or a bent pole (bent pole actually happened in case you were wondering). Distractions are a part of life. It is really hard to avoid distractions 100%. Lucky for me I have a go to man that helps me get back on track. He is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and through Him I have access to the best support and instruction there is. I have the Spirit who supports me and guides me back to Christ. I also have God's word which instructs me in the way to go and where to look. I have to always look ahead towards my goal. What's my goal? It's to see God's face at the end of the race or rather my walkathon.

So if you would like to join me on my walk please feel free. I'll be sharing my trips and falls old and new and how God has sustained me throughout.

With Love,

The Clumsy Christian


And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good. Deuteronomy 10:12-13