The BIG Trip

Hi Guys, It has been a really long time since I've written and shared what clumsy things have gone down in my life.I got so caught up in other things I didn't write anything at all. Well it has been a rough year and a half. I was dealing with a lot of issues (still dealing with them) of the heart. My heart was slowly becoming hard and I wasn't doing my quiet times or praying as much. A lot of my past traumas and unresolved hurts were piling up and overflowing from me sweeping them under the rug and I was becoming bitter. Bitter with God and how I saw my life. I was a lot like the son from the Prodigal Son in Luke 15:28-30, “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’". Interestingly enough this feeling wasn't in regard to anyone of my friends that I saw God blessing. It was towards the blessings I saw the father of my children receiving. At least what I perceived as blessings. Things between he and I ended badly and I saw him getting all these things while I struggled and couldn't or rather wouldn't find someone I could be with. Note that he and I get along just fine now and have been for a few years. These feelings along with some past childhood trauma caused me to push away from my Father in heaven. I was starting to go on rebellious teenage daughter mode (This year marked 16 yrs of me being a christian). I started playing an online game that I love and met some pretty amazing people. I played for hours as gamers tend to do. A bit more than what I was used to. I met this one guy who really caught my attention and we clicked. Charismatic, funny and kind. We started flirting, then talking alone and I found myself wanting to spend more time with him. He shared that he had gone through something very traumatic and wasn't ready for a relationship. At that time I was ok with this and we continued to talk. We had some pretty intense arguments, where I was made to feel an inch tall. I would apologize and try to do whatever would make him happy. I told myself he has other personality traits that I love. I was head over heels. The information he shared about himself was practically nonexistent, so I did a background check and looked into the traumatic event he had shared with me to confirm it was true. Unfortunately the traumatic event did not match up with the information I found. It wasn't true. At first I was shocked and freaking out, but then rationalized it because I was already in too deep with my heart. I have a bad habit of going all in, even though I knew he didn't want a relationship. We met after a few weeks of knowing each other and he saw on my phone evidence of my search and I freaked out and lied. He knew I was lying and I ended up telling him I was looking into something, but I didn't share everything, because I was afraid to lose him. He told me he didn't trust me and I had to earn his trust. Our relationship seemed to improve and things were moving along nicely. We still had our occasional fight due to my jealousy or some other reasons, but we were good. I decided it was time for me to start going to a therapist to deal with my childhood traumas and my divorce. Also I wanted to be healthy for the relationship we were building. I hoped and prayed that he would come clean by the end of month in regards to what I found out. Suddenly he asked for space because he was going through a lot and I was confused, I told him I was there for him and he could confide in me, but he just wanted space. I contacted him twice after. He then contacted me and a small disagreement ensued. It ended there and I sent him another message that hit a nerve for I mentioned the word secret. This caused him to be curious and I told him I would share when we were both in a better place and this set him off. He at this point said he wanted nothing to do with me and that he was going to cut me out of his life because he couldn't trust me and I was liar 😑. That's the pot calling the kettle black. I pretty much told him have a nice life , but later sent sweet messages. Ugh!!! Mind you I prayed that God remove him from my path if he was not the one for me (I also told God I didn't want him to remove him). I then deleted everything that had to do with him and blocked what I could. The following day I really wanted to tell him about what I found out and wrote him a message two days after the break up. I am still hurting and curl up in a ball at night missing him. I miss talking to him and the laughs we had. I'm taking it one day at a time and I know it will be alright. Someone I respect shared something with me that has repeated in my head everyday since it was said, "What is broken inside of you that made you accept the way you were treated in the relationship?" There is a lot I did not share and probably won't in regards to this relationship. I still care about him and hope that he will be happy and find peace. There is only one way I know how to find peace and that is through Christ. I am going to therapy to help with 3 different things now and I also have some amazing friends who are encouraging. The best thing that has come out of all this is that it has made me run back into my daddy's arms and He is so faithful and gracious He welcomes we back with open arms. So, it appears I started out as the brother of the prodigal son and came running back as the prodigal son. I am so grateful God was always watching, listening and ready to comfort me on my return. He deserves my best and my all and that is what I will be working on.

God bless you guys!!!